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Understanding & Satisfying Each Partner's Needs

 

 

The first and one of the most important secrets of a happy relationship is to understand, share and exchange emotions transparently. 

When we understand our feelings, we can explain to our partner in an understandable way how we feel, and what we want.  When we allow ourselves to share, we feel great and real intimacy, because we begin to speak the same language. The language of feelings is the main negotiating language of relationships.

Recall the moments when you felt the most intimacy with your partner.  Do you remember how after some quarrel you didn’t understand each other? When you begin to discuss how you feel, then everything becomes immediately clearer and easier to understand. When we understand why our soul mate is angry or upset, we gain insight into how to avoid provocation.

Working together to meet each other's needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship. Successful relationships require a solid friendship. Consistently meeting needs can build trust and security between partners, so it helps in the beginning to have a strong friendship. When it comes to meeting needs, communication, and compromise are necessities.

The important thing is that your partner knows they are valued. That you know what they want and need, and are ready to actively provide it. This effort to understand and willingness to give is key to a good relationship, and ultimately, to have your own needs met. Talking about your emotional needs is critical to maintaining a love that lasts.

Goals are another important secret that gives energy to a happy relationship.  When you and your loved one are united by a common idea, and desire, and move together to achieve this goal, this energizes, strengthens, and develops a strong relationship. The lack of common or conflicting goals in a relationship is often a reason for breakups. Therefore, it is worth thinking through, discussing, shaping, and together progressing towards common goals.

It is important to remember that a fulfilling relationship can only be created through a state of love and acceptance. When we are able to accept and forgive ourselves, it is easier for us to understand and forgive another person.  And then it is easier to build relationships because the heart is open. But when we suffer, our heart is closed. You can't build any relationships with a closed heart.

If you already have a negative experience behind you, then before entering into a new relationship, you should understand yourself. This difficult but important inner work will help you understand why you have previously chosen those who hurt you, or why they simply were not close to you.

In summary, learning how to build a happy relationship is based upon understanding and sharing your emotions; understanding and talking about your mutual needs; then together moving forward towards achieving your common goals. These life skills empower happiness and mutual satisfaction.

What are the secrets to a successful marriage?

Arthur and Karen, married for 60 years, share their top secrets to a long, loving marriage. They claim the keys to harmony are quite simple:

1. Be best friends;
2. Put God first;
3. Trust;
4. Forgive;
5. Never go to bed angry.

These are attributes that we have been already discussing. Karen said, "You need to be best friends first, you need to put God first. I've always liked to serve by example. When you do good, endorphins come up , which is how God made it…All four of our kids and all four of their spouses serve each other, they love each other, they're great examples for their kids".

Arthur chimed in and said, "The two most important words are, " Yes, dear!" We just serve each other, we truly do care about each other, and we do anything that we can to make the other one more comfortable, happier". Arthur’s philosophy is what assures Karen’s emotional and physical needs are being consistently met.

In another interview, ABC News surveyed four more couples who have been married for 50 or more years. They shared their secrets to long-lasting love. You will find that these secrets merely stem from the couple's application of the basic building blocks to a lasting relationship.

“Our secret to marriage? We just respect each other and we love each other. We’re best friends. We don't do a lot of arguing. We try to get along most of the time.” John continued, “I didn't go to the bar and leave her home, and she didn't go to places and leave me home. We just hung out together. Loving one another and a lot of patience, and knowing what's important in life. Love and wonderful companionship. That's the great secret. We like to do most of the same things ... like go on cruises, go to the movies, go to concerts, and socialize with friends."

Betty said, “Communication. We try to communicate with each other. We love each other. And we come from parents who were church-going folk, and they taught us [about marriage] and we respected them, so we had no problems. We lived the example they put forth for us. You have to have a sense of humor and not take things too seriously … also keep communication open."

Question 1: How do you resolve conflict the best?

Macie: “Just talk it over and try to straighten it out.
Sammy: "I just normally shut up. I don't say a word."

Thelma: "He doesn't argue. He doesn't fight. It's very difficult to make a point when you're doing the arguing; he just will not argue."

Frank: "Easy! She wins! ... But we work it out and we get along. We go forward. We're both understanding and can appreciate each point of view, and we try to correct those problems. It's discussed and dropped. Talk it over. If you don't get it done today, talk about it in the morning, talk about it in the afternoon. We have so few conflicts, but we talk about them. She expresses her side and I express mine."

Betty: "You have to hear what the other person has to say, try to put yourself in their shoes, and try to feel the way the other person is feeling."

John: "I had to realize, like everybody else, there's an alternative point of view and I'm not always right."  

Question 2: If there was one thing you wish you knew before marriage, what would it be?

Betty said, "If there was one thing I wish I knew, it would be to understand the sincerity of marriage. It's important to remember the vows you said when you got married ... and go back to them. This is the person that you said you loved. I didn't realize that as much when I got married, but through the years that can help carry you through."

John said, "I don't know, my love was so strong for her. She couldn't do anything wrong. Over the years I realized marriage is definitely a partnership and definitely something that you have to work at in order to keep everybody happy. So we work well together."

Betty added, “I wish I had known a little bit more about that area. It was very, very cold and I must've gotten a cold every other month during the winter. I got really homesick that first year."

Question 3: What’s your advice to younger couples, married or not?

"Think about the vows that they've made. And don't get angry or upset about something and say, 'I don't want to be in this,' because that's not what you promised. And always give respect to each other."

"Don't get into. .. big arguments. We never had a lot of big arguments and if we did have an argument, I just shut up. She can't argue by herself. We also had kids at home, and if we had a little argument, we wouldn't ever let them hear us. I just loved her.”

“Make sure -- besides loving one another -- that you are compatible and you’re willing to give and take."

"Try to understand each other and try not to go to bed angry with each other."

"Trust in the Lord and trust in each other. And try to do the right thing all the time. The wrong thing is the more attractive thing, so be careful."

"Try to be aware of how the other person feels and try not to be all about yourself. And try not to stay angry over little things. In other words, 'Don’t sweat the small stuff.'"

"I’ve learned over time that the best thing I can do to keep the peace is to pick the cars and the electronics and leave the rest to the wife. ... It’s been great. I would definitely do it again."

 

 This picture is courtesy of John & Betty Mattocks who have been married for 51 years.  

 This picture is courtesy of James & Virginia Wilson who have been married for 63 years.

 This picture is courtesy of Frank & Thelma Hoffman who have been married 67 years