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The Five Love Languages

 

There are five different languages ​​of love, that when in conflict, can cause misunderstandings in relationships. In Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, the author details what languages ​​exist in each of us, and how they manifest themselves.

These languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical Touch
3. Acts of Service
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Quality Time

 

The writer has discovered that love is a conscious choice in these five areas that requires discipline, will and effort. In order to maintain your relationship, it is important to be aware of and speak these languages to your partner. It is also important to know your partner’s order of importance for each love language.  

 

Unraveling your partner's love language is not so difficult. It is worth taking a closer look and understanding how they show love towards you. To maintain a relationship, it is important to understand in a timely manner what a partner needs and when they need it. Circumstances may dictate that they need support or a hug. Perhaps ask if they need some help. Surprise them with a thoughtful gift. Or perhaps you need to just spend quality time together doing an interesting activity.

Here is a brief illustration of each love language.

 

Words of Affirmation

 

Sometimes the most valuable thing you can do for your partner is to tell them how special and important they are to you. Saying supportive things to your partner while they are facing a difficult time goes a long way in making them feel loved. Everyone has a need for this love language expressed through words. It is very important that you talk to your partner, and say heartfelt compliments, or words of gratitude and support. It is not necessary to write big revelations and confessions like, “I miss you”, “You are so beautiful” and “Dinner turned out to be the best of all”. Sometimes “I appreciate you” is just enough.

 

Examples: Your partner congratulates you, saying "great job!", and tells you that you look attractive, or thanks you for something they did.

 

Physical Touch

 

It is very important for a partner who ranks this language high in their personal order to have their hand held, feel warm hugs, and receive spontaneous kisses. They attach special importance to sex and begin to doubt whether they are loved if they do not receive it. Spend time being close and intimate. Touch your partner in both sexual and non-sexual ways. They crave being touched, and for them, the best indication that they are loved is when they receive hugs, kisses, tender strokes, and all forms of physical contact.

 

Examples: You and your partner hold hands, kiss, hug, or sit/lay close together where an arm or a leg is touching the other person.

 

Acts of Service

 

This language requires doing helpful things to support your partner. This act of service can take different forms, and it is very important that your help is spontaneous. Sometimes a partner will desire help, but this request should never be in the form of an order. If acts of service are your love language, then be sure to learn to ask. Ask correctly so that it does not sound like an order, or make your partner feel reproach. Be polite. When we ask for help, we give our loved ones the opportunity to take care of us spontaneously, thus satisfying this expression of love. When we order them, we sound like a tyrant. Learn how to ask!

 

Examples: Your partner does a chore for you, runs an errand for you, or takes care of something without being asked. You see something your partner needs to have done and you do it for them.

 

Receiving Gifts

 

Gifts don’t have to be expensive. These are simple tokens of love like a flower, a poem, or a thoughtful card. It says that you are thinking about them. They can be small, symbolic, possibly homemade, and serve as an indicative sign of love and attention. It could just be a chocolate bar you give them that is your partner’s favorite. Or a small wooden mug that they looked at in the store, or even a magazine that they like to read. Your gift may even be as simple as a little heart drawn with catsup on their dinner plate. It is important that in the selection process, you think about the person and choose what you think will please them.

 

Examples: You get a gift or a small treat from your partner that tells you they were thinking about you.

 

Quality Time

 

This is time that you set aside to spend just with your partner. It is very important for people to be close to each other, especially if the partner is often away at work, or travels a lot. To them, time spent together is the best "love" that they can receive. Time is our most valuable resource. When we donate quality time to our partner, we are giving a piece of our life. Time spent together and being close are two different things. Being close together is to look at each other, talking, hearing, and understanding each other at a deep emotional level. Sometimes it’s just time spent laying on a blanket together, feeling each other’s presence while reading a book.

 

Examples: You and your partner have a date night, go on a trip together, or have a deep conversation by yourselves.

 

How To Recognize Your Order of Love Languages. 

 

It is important for each partner to know the ranking of importance for their personal love languages. It is not enough to just skim through the names and understand exactly what each language means, but how your personal love language order compares to your partner’s. Very often it is not so easy for us to recognize even our own love languages, and that it’s possible to have two dominant love languages.

 

Here is a little tip to help you hear yourself better. Think about how you usually express love to your partner. What are you doing or saying? You probably expect the same in return, but not necessarily in the same order. A person with a dominant language of physical touch may start their love expression with a hug, while their partner responds with the hug followed up by a word of affirmation, or a small freshly cut flower from the backyard.

 

You can begin the discovery process by asking your partner direct questions about what exactly they expect and want from the relationship with you. It is critical that you listen closely to their claims. Pay close attention to their examples so you understand meaningful ways to declare your love. Keep in mind, this may not be their most important way of receiving love. Listen to what your partner criticizes you most often for.

 

Your partner’s criticism about their needs for love should not be taken personally. It’s a valuable source of information. Don’t be annoyed or upset at what they are telling you because it is coming from their heart. Rather, think about how you can satisfy their needs in a harmonious way. Using this approach, you will see that there will be no trace of animosity; but gratitude and love will appear in their place. 

 

Even if you don’t have a loved one at the moment, it is important that you learn and know your personal love language preferences. Sooner or later you will meet someone you like. Start preparing for this meeting by studying yourself and discovering the love languages your potential partner prefers. It is important that you and your partner have a harmonious order of love languages.  

The best advice is for each partner to read  The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and take the test at the end of the book. This test asks a series of questions to men and women specifically that uncovers what the ranking of importance is for each of their love languages. In our view, this book should be required reading long before a marriage certificate is issued.

 

The art of love is difficult to learn, and not everyone is ready to learn it. Many couples in marriage and relationships often break up out of desperation caused by not feeling loved. They hope that the next marriage or relationship will be much better than the previous one without understanding what caused the separation. Knowing the basic needs of your partner will not only improve the relationship, but will inspire happiness, love, and a feeling of contented fulfillment.

 

This book is a very easy read. We started our relationship during the first date by discussing the principles of the five love languages, and the importance of achieving a never-ending relationship through excising the strategies outlined in this book. This book helped us better understand ourselves and each other. We highly recommend reading this book, taking the test at the end, then applying the lessons learned to your relationship. Click here to get your copy. 

 

 

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