“When my wife and I disagree, we usually do what she wants. The wife calls it a compromise.”
Mark Twain
American writer, journalist, and social activist 1835-1910
In all families, quarrels of various kinds occur from time to time. This is absolutely normal. The most important thing to remember is to competently resolve the conflict without destroying relationships.
Most often, quarrels arise due to a mismatch of interests or points of view. Obviously, then the best way to resolve the conflict is to find a good compromise. It would seem that there is nothing complicated about this, however, as life experience has shown us, partners often find it difficult to reach a compromise.
When a conflict arises, both partners must learn to make concessions to each other. This is often very difficult since both parties esteem their interests above the other. This is understandable, but unless a compromise is reached, this deadlock of personal desires will cause tension and resentment to fester.
Relationships are hard work, so sometimes both parties need to get over themselves in order to save the most valuable thing - the relationship. Concessions must be mutually beneficial. If one person is always compromising their position, while the other party constantly and stubbornly stands their ground, this is not a real compromise, but a selfish, one-sided game.
In 2010, Dr. James McNulty, one of the most renowned experts in the field of family psychology, completed a study on the impact of conflicts on relationships. For ten years, McNulty studied 82 couples concerning their satisfaction with their marriage. By the end of the study, the couples were divided into two groups.
In the first group, not only were domestic disagreements almost completely absent, but a significant strengthening of the spiritual and emotional connection between each party was also observed. And for the couples in the second group, the problems developed into a systematic crisis, which constantly made itself felt, and in some cases even led to a divorce.
The reason for this difference in results lies in the answer to the question: “How did you solve the problems that arose?”
Couples from the first group gave the following answer: “When a problem arose, we tried to find the cause and eliminate it together so as not to return to it again.” Couples from the second group answered: “If we quarreled, we immediately tried to find a compromise that would suit both of us.”
In other words, in couples from the first group, people tried to understand what did not suit their partner, and by joint efforts, find ways to overcome it. They cooperated to solve the problem, sacrificing their interests for each other.
Lovers By Design is a reader-supported publication. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers receive access to full articles and a free copy of our upcoming book, “Lovers By Design.”
