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The First Date

 

“You will not get a second chance to make a first impression."
Coco Chanel

 

You can't make a first impression twice. The first impression upon contact with a new person is formed within 3-5 seconds. During the next 20-60 seconds, the first impression is fixed. The first date can be the beginning of a long, and beautiful love story, or one of a hundred first dates. In life, it often happens that a woman or a man have found a beloved partner and built a happy family that’s lasted a long time. While other potential love stories end after one or more dates when one of the partners does not want to continue dating. What is the reason for these failures?

 

One of the reasons dates fail is due to inadequate screening. The selection process discussed earlier in this chapter is too often overlooked. Unless you have a recommendation from a close friend who knows you, you will need assurances of basic compatibility before your first in-person date. A good way to start is a phone conversation. Today’s technology gives us an opportunity to discover a potential partner’s appearance, philosophy, outlook on current events, and ability to participate in a deep and meaningful conversation.

 

First Date Rules

 

1. Be yourself: Be transparent, relaxed, polite, creative, and smile. Your statements should be sincere and your gestures warm and friendly. The other person will feel this very much. Talk about your hobbies, interests, and what you really love.

 

2. Dress to impress: You need to look your very best. Women need to unlock their femininity and elegance. Men need to dress fashionably and be well-groomed. Add just enough fragrance for them to notice but not choke to death. Dressing well does not have to be expensive, just tasteful, and appropriate for the occasion. Not bothering to properly care for your appearance indicates either insufficient interest in yourself, and in your partner, or an open unwillingness to invest any kind of resource in this relationship.

 

3. Be a good conversationalist: Listen carefully to your date and pay attention to what they are saying. Ask expanding and open-ended questions about their life and listen to their answers. Show a genuine interest in what they are saying. This is highly valuable in any relationship. Be sure to smile, and make good eye contact. Take a breath and give them the opportunity to ask questions about what you said. If they want to talk about books, tell them what books they like to read and why. Remain calm, even if your blood is boiling after you hear what they said. Your reaction may be a sign of incompatibility.

 

4. No distractions: Maintain eye contact. Not in a stalker way, but don’t be distracted by another male or female breaking your field of vision. Be in the moment. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by calls or texts. Put your phone on “do not disturb”. This will only allow important calls to break through. If you do need to receive a call or respond to a text, apologize for the intrusion, explain the level of urgency, and make the call or text quick unless it’s an emergency.

 

5. Be positive: Energetic and positive people are very attractive. If you are having problems or experiencing stressful situations with family or friends, do not dump all of them on your date during the first meeting. Keep the conversation light and casual, avoiding those sensitive topics.

 

6. Paying compliments: People feel good about themselves when they are genuinely complimented. Be specific. Mention something you like about the way they dressed. If there's something you really enjoyed or respected about their story, tell them so. The ability to give compliments is a special art. When you do, people’s faces light up and they feel good about themselves which in turn has its own rewards. Paying a compliment is just like giving a gift.

 

What to Avoid on a First Date  

 

1. Don’t be late: Nothing says disrespect better than being habitually late. It’s one thing if you have a good excuse due to an unforeseen circumstance. The old wives tale “that a woman should be late for a date”, is not true. A man may regard being late as disrespectful. If you suddenly decide to check it out, be prepared for the fact that a man may not wait for you. Good advice: never plan to "be on time".  Set a goal to arrive 15 minutes early and figure out what to do if you have to wait.  Being early allows for small delays and reduces stress.

 

2. Alcohol: Excessive drinking on any date can be dangerous and it is not recommended. Especially if you don’t know how to control yourself, or know the area you’re visiting. One or two glasses of wine might do the trick, but excessive drinking is out of the question. Alcohol consumption lowers inhibitions, making it more likely for you to act or do something out of character. There is a great risk not only to disrupt the date but also to do stupid things, for which you will be ashamed later.

 

3. Sex: This is one of the most impactful areas of a relationship. Generally, it’s a good idea not to get too close on the first date. Be a person of mystery. This is often challenging when you both feel a growing attraction to each other during subsequent dates. Psychologically, for a man, it’s important to win and achieve a woman, and for a woman, it’s important to feel desired and loved. Be cognizant of these tendencies and proceed with caution. Do not cross the line if you are doing so for the sake of capturing your partner; otherwise, you will suffer the consequences.

 

There are several philosophies concerning sexual activities when dating. For some, there are no sexual activities before marriage. Others feel that it is permissible once a relationship has matured. Long term sexually active unmarried partners are more likely to cohabitate without marriage. Living as though you are married sometimes gives the illusion that being married is optional. Marriage-bound couples cohabitate and call it a trial period before tying the knot to ensure against divorce. Your choice on this matter will directly impact the longevity of your relationship.

 

It’s been established that having multiple sex partners prior to marriage sometimes leads to less happy marriages and greatly increases the odds of divorce. Across all years that cohabitation was examined in this Rosenfeld & Roesler study, divorce was 1.31 times more likely.[1] The massive and highly respected National Health and Social Life Survey, conducted at the University of Chicago, was the first serious, fully reputable study of sexual behavior in America. It found “that virgins have dramatically more stable first marriages.”[2]

 

Areas of Focus on a Date

 

When choosing what to wear on your first date, think about what impression you want to make. According to statistics, only one meeting out of three leads to a relationship. Often the reason for failure is that the man or woman doesn’t understand how they are perceived.

 

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