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Conflict Resolution

 

The conflict between parents and children is a difficult situation for both parties. It’s impossible to completely avoid contradictions - even within a harmonious family. Disagreements between adults and children happen all the time, and this is normal. You need to be able to resolve the conflict correctly so that quarrels do not develop into damaged relationships.

 

Conflicts between parents and children create a negative atmosphere that can linger for a long time - even over many years. We do not choose our parents, even if they do not suit us, they are part of us.

 

It may seem that they don’t love us, but remember, everyone has their own style of how to express their love, their feelings, and emotions. After all, men and women express their love and show their feelings in different ways. It is necessary to accept parents as they are. Don’t try to re-educate them or try to prove them.

 

There are no ideal parents.

 

Grown-up children can generate a constant internal conflict within parents. They simultaneously express:

• a love for parents and a source of irritation;
• a desire to visit them more often and a lack of time to do so;
• resentment for misunderstanding and the inevitable mutual feeling of guilt.

 

There are many problems between us and our parents, and the longer we are with them and the older we become, the more serious the conflicts can become.

 

Whoever has had a painful relationship with their parents usually has unresolved conflicts in their own life preventing happiness. In this regard, very often there are internal conflicts, such as low self-esteem, dependence on the opinions of others, as well as additional struggles of what psychologists call the “offended child”.

 

Letting go of resentment, whether you feel it’s fair or not fair, is the most important objective. Until we let go of our grievances and stop “proving something to someone”, life's failures will repeat themselves and grow more turbulent over time.

 

During Bogdana’s studies at the Faculty of Psychology, one special technique called "Transferring feelings to parents" resonated with her, and just might help someone overcome this challenge.

 

It is especially suitable for those who do not have the opportunity to communicate personally with their parents. Resentment is self-destructive.

 

You will find great value in this six-step technique:

1. Close your eyes.
2. Get into a comfortable position.
3. Take a deep breath then exhale.
4. Relax as much as possible, and let go of your thoughts.
5. Imagine that you are walking down a long corridor (what the corridor will look like, only you and your subconscious will know).
6. At the end of the corridor is a room. Enter it. You see your parents in the room. Listen to yourself. What emotions and feelings do you have for them? Avoid feeling sorry for yourself.

 

This automatically puts you into the position of your parent. It will be better if instead of pity you show sympathy. Imagining your mom or dad in front of you, you convey a sense of gratitude to your parents for giving you their love, care, warmth, and upbringing. You may want to say something very important and kind to them.

 

Then, leave the room.

 

When you walk away and turn your back on your parents, you may receive a rush of positive feelings for them. It will be great if, along with the words of gratitude, you put your hand on your chest. When I personally did this technique, I realized how much this feeling of resentment can destroy us inside and not allow us to move on to really feeling happy. Don't harbor resentment!

 

Even if you are right and the person really did wrong and acted incorrectly towards you, your negative emotions will only harm you. Resentment will gradually grow like a snowball rolling down a hill. Every year new grievances will be added to the old ones, and sooner or later, you will start to feel repulsed to see them, be around them, or even hear their voice.

 

Your health depends on your forgiveness. According to John Hopkins University Medicine, “Whether it’s a simple spat with your spouse or long-held resentment toward a family member or friend, unresolved conflict can go deeper than you may realize—it may be affecting your physical health.”¹

 

Unforgiveness will corrode you like acid, and prevent you from enjoying life to the fullest. Positive motivation plays an important role. Try to imagine what will happen if you start to easily forgive your offender. You will no longer depend on the negative actions of other people towards you. You will become free from pain and resentment, and you will not destroy yourself!

 

There is a lesson to be learned even from negative situations. Oddly enough, we gain the most valuable experiences through difficult negative life situations. It is important to be grateful to those people and circumstances that test your strength. After all, they make us all stronger and wiser.

 

Harmonious relationships with parents have a huge impact on your personal well-being. The three important aspects that form the basics of a healthy relationship with parents are:

 

Gratitude

Sometimes it is not easy to feel gratitude, especially when there are many grievances, disappointments, and claims of wrongdoing. When there is a lot of pain inside, it is important to get rid of it (with the help of psychotherapy techniques, through personal and spiritual development). Because it is extremely important to feel gratitude towards your parents. Think about what you can thank them for. If it doesn't seem like it, if, for example, you've never seen your parents, thank them for giving you life. This is something any child will always be able to thank their parents for. Because, who you are, EVERYTHING that you have done in your life, everything that you are rich in (spiritually and materially), is only because your parents gave you life.

Respect

This can be even more difficult than gratitude. It's not about "pretending" that I respect them.  However, the point is to have sincere respect in your heart. Only after you sincerely feel and show respect for your parents can you truly respect yourself. And only after you begin to sincerely respect yourself, other people will sincerely respect you.

Stay in Your Place within the Family System

 

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¹ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it