‹ Back

Why is Christmas Such a Battleground?

 

Tips to get through the holidays unscathed.

 

How to avoid big quarrels during the holidays with your family.

 

It would seem that Christmas and New Year are a time of love and warmth when relatives get together to share the joy of these very festive holidays. Unfortunately, these are the times when the most family quarrels and conflicts occur.

 

When a large family gathers under one roof, old wounds inevitably resurface, and we experience emotional anguish. The reason is simple - the usual rhythm of life is disrupted and relatives who rarely see each other communicate more closely than usual. 

On the eve of the New Year holidays and Christmas, which are traditionally considered family holidays, many of us prepare in advance for unpleasant moments such as:

 

• Someone will be dissatisfied with how they are treated;
• An old grievance will bubble up to the surface during a conversation and then explode into a new conflict;
• Disappointments and anguish creep up because someone extends their love to a relative or friend and that person makes it clear that they have little or no interest in the events of your life;
• Political differences become heated.

 

In general, extended communications with relatives you don’t normally engage with strangely bring out the worst in us. Sometimes it seems that it would be better to avoid getting together at all.

 

When multiple family members gather under one roof, their mutual familiarity may not always be disdainful, but it can certainly cause painful emotional wounds. But why can jokes and witticisms that seem completely harmless to us when uttered by our friends provoke a conflict of epic proportions when we hear them from the lips of our relatives?

 

Is there something particularly annoying about relatives—or is it just about the holiday itself? Four theories explain why our families drive us crazy, and I think it would be very useful to become familiar with them right now.

 

1. It all begins with the pre-Christmas holiday event planning. The arrival of guests in the house is always stressful, even if they are your closest family and friends. A family, tired from a week of work, instead of resting and doing what everyone wants, is forced into working from early morning well into the evening: cleaning, washing, running to the store, entertaining children who want attention just when there is no time while recipe planning and cooking a ton of food. Your family gathering feels more serious than preparing to submit the annual report to a board of directors! Of course, tension and irritation are growing for everyone. The “pre-guest” scandal is gaining momentum! Such showdowns in some families are almost a tradition.
    
2. Sometimes what irritates us about our relatives is not their overall worldview, but a specific habit—a habit that at first seems harmless, but which begins to irritate us long before dessert is served. For example, why does Uncle Tom need to keep telling the same joke he read many years ago? When we suddenly find ourselves overly dependent on our relatives whom we haven’t seen for a long time, these minor behavioral quirks are perceived much more acutely than when we encounter the same characteristics in our friends and relatives who live with us or whom we see all the time.
    
3. Sibling rivalry doesn't end in childhood. These are especially pronounced between siblings who are close in age. If we constantly bring up our siblings' past misdeeds, we are more likely to start fighting again during a family gathering
    
4. Any unfortunate remark brings out long-accumulated discontent. For example, many parents consider it their right to speak out about their adult children’s appearance, career decisions, and other details about their personal lives. Sometimes even a sensible and well-intended remark in principle can awaken a person's memories of other criticisms they were subjected to during childhood that they felt were unfair then and now thus causing a new painful reaction.

 

Lovers By Design is a reader-supported publication. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers receive access to full articles and a free copy of our upcoming book, “Lovers By Design.”